Every February 2nd, the weight of the following six weeks weighs heavily on one large fuzzy rodent. Sometimes he sees his shadow and sentences us all to an extra month and a half of massive snow and ice storms. Sometimes he doesn’t. Occasionally, he’ll pretend not to see the shadow and confuse everyone.

Why do we even trust this cocky son-of-a-bitch?

This Listeria topic is What The Groundhog Saw. Just give us an appropriately funny scenario for this year’s excursion into rodent voyeurism. For example:

“Dirty Grandpa” and now we can expect six more weeks of terrible movies

His own reflection and wonders what the hell he’s done with his life

What you did last summer and thinks you need more sun

To play, post your own scenario on Twitter to @pasquinade with the hashtag #WhatTheGroundhogSaw, comment on the post on our Facebook page, or comment here. I encourage you, as well, to share this post freely. Previous weeks, listed below, are still open. The more folks playing the game, the more fun everyone has reading them. Then, chill out for six weeks and enjoy the fun.

Remember, if you don’t want to play this week’s game, there are nine previous Listeria topics still in play. Chances are still really good that one of your posts will be featured in the next ebook issue of National Pasquinade.

Previous Weeks:

Listeria #9: Nicknames for the Blizzard of 2016

Listeria #8: Best of/Worst of 2015

Listeria #7: Dirty Peanuts

Listeria #6: Christmas Creepy

Listeria #5: Turkey Bands

Listeria #4: Mock the Terrorists

Listeria #3: Things to Do With Your Extra Daylight Savings Hour

Listeria #2: Rejected Old Wives’ Tales

Listeria #1: New Fears That a 2017-20 Republican Presidency Would Bring

Here in the DC area, we’re in the midst of the Blizzard of 2016. I don’t know how long I have before the power goes out, so I wanted to get a new Listeria topic out before things went sideways. Besides, it’s been a while since I posted a new topic.

Anytime there’s a big snowstorm, the media, social and otherwise, has this insatiable need to give it a nickname. Snowmageddon. Snowzilla. Whatever. This Listeria topic is the Nicknames for the Blizzard of 2016. Just give us an appropriately funny nickname for this year’s monster snowstorm. For example:

Snowplow-a-palooza

Best-in-Snow

Clustersnow

To play, post your own on Twitter to @pasquinade with the hashtag #Blizzard2016Nicknames, comment on the post on our Facebook page, or comment here. I encourage you, as well, to share this post freely. Previous weeks, listed below, are still open. The more folks playing the game, the more fun everyone has reading them. Then, hunker down with a thick blanket, pray for heat, and enjoy the fun.

Remember, if you don’t want to play this week’s game, there are eight previous Listeria topics still in play. Chances are still really good that one of your posts will be featured in the next ebook issue of National Pasquinade.

Previous Weeks:

Listeria #8: Best of/Worst of 2015

Listeria #7: Dirty Peanuts

Listeria #6: Christmas Creepy

Listeria #5: Turkey Bands

Listeria #4: Mock the Terrorists

Listeria #3: Things to Do With Your Extra Daylight Savings Hour

Listeria #2: Rejected Old Wives’ Tales

Listeria #1: New Fears That a 2017-20 Republican Presidency Would Bring

 

So it’s last call for 2015. Next week, we’ll be in a new year, making brand-new bad decisions. But today, like all the media does this week, we get to judge the best and worst of this year.

This week’s Listeria topic is the Best of/Worst of 2015. Just give us a Best of 2015 and a Worst of 2015 in one concise tweet. For example:

Best: Dr. Phil’s ratings; Worst: Dr. Phil’s audience.

Best State to Make a Living: Texas; Worst State to Live In: Texas.

Best Man: Larry; Worst Man: Larry’s boss, Sid.

To play, post your own on Twitter to @pasquinade with the hashtag #BestOfWorstOf2015, comment on the post on our Facebook page, or comment here. I encourage you, as well, to share this post freely. Previous weeks, listed below, are still open. The more folks playing the game, the more fun everyone has reading them. Then, surf the ‘net on the 31st until you slip quietly into a BuzzFeed Coma (it’s a thing), and enjoy the fun.

Remember, if you don’t want to play this week’s game, there are seven previous weeks of Listeria that are are still open to play. Maybe one of your posts will be featured in the next ebook issue of National Pasquinade.

Previous Weeks:

Week #7: Dirty Peanuts

Week #6: Christmas Creepy

Week #5: Turkey Bands

Week #4: Mock the Terrorists

Week #3: Things to Do With Your Extra Daylight Savings Hour

Week #2: Rejected Old Wives’ Tales

Week #1: New Fears That a 2017-20 Republican Presidency Would Bring

 

Today marks the fiftieth anniversary of the premiere of A Charlie Brown Christmas. So, naturally, all the main characters have grown up and talk like “wah-wah wah-wah-wah…” Right? While the long-running holiday classic will always portray the Peanuts kids in their youthful innocence, in this week’s Listeria we envision a cast of Peanuts characters who have grown up and enjoyed many sexual exploits (or in some cases, maybe not… good grief!) and maybe gained one or two weird fetishes.

So this week’s Listeria topic is Dirty Peanuts (and do not, I repeat, DO NOT look that up in the Urban Dictionary). Just dirty up a Peanuts character. For example:

Marcie is now a lesbian porn star that goes by the name “Peppermint Panties”

Dominatrix Lucy still charges five cents per consultation

Linus will not leave his New York apartment unless he’s wearing chiffon

To play, post your own on Twitter to @pasquinade with the hashtag #DirtyPeanuts, comment on the post on our Facebook page, or comment here. I encourage you, as well, to share this post freely. Previous weeks, listed below, are still open. The more folks playing the game, the more fun everyone has reading them. Then, just make a crapload of toast and popcorn, let a few friends invite themselves over, and enjoy the fun.

Maybe one of your posts will be featured in the next ebook issue of National Pasquinade.

Previous Weeks:

Week #6: Christmas Creepy

Week #5: Turkey Bands

Week #4: Mock the Terrorists

Week #3: Things to Do With Your Extra Daylight Savings Hour

Week #2: Rejected Old Wives’ Tales

Week #1: New Fears That a 2017-20 Republican Presidency Would Bring

It’s December and we all know what that means! It seems like the Christmas decorations come out earlier and earlier every year. I’m sure everyone still had their Halloween decorations displayed this time last year, right?

So, to celebrate “Christmas Creep,” this week’s Listeria topic is Christmas Creepy. Tell us your about the creepiest Christmas imagery your funny mind can dream up. For example:

Ernie the Seven-Fingered Cash4Gold Elf

Cigar Store Santa

Rudolph the Shit-Faced Reindeer

To play, post your own on Twitter to @pasquinade with the hashtag #XmasCreepy, comment on the post on our Facebook page, or comment here. I encourage you, as well, to share this post freely. Previous weeks, listed below, are still open. The more folks playing the game, the more fun everyone has reading them. Then, just kick back with some spiked egg nog, don your ugliest Christmas sweater, and enjoy the fun.

Maybe one of your posts will be featured in the next ebook issue of National Pasquinade.

Previous Weeks:

Week #5: Turkey Bands

Week #4: Mock the Terrorists

Week #3: Things to Do With Your Extra Daylight Savings Hour

Week #2: Rejected Old Wives’ Tales

Week #1: New Fears That a 2017-20 Republican Presidency Would Bring

  
Thanksgiving is this Thursday, so in honor of the day of turkey, this week’s Listeria is #TurkeyBands. No, we’re not talking about the metal bracelets used to identify birds in the wild, we’re talking about turkefying your favorite bands. For instance:

Drum-Styx

Bachman-Turner Overcooked

The Canned Cranberries

To play, post your own on Twitter to @pasquinade with the hashtag #TurkeyBands, comment on the post on our Facebook page, or comment here. I encourage you, as well, to share this post freely. The more folks playing the game, the more fun everyone has reading them. Then, just kick back, undo your belt, and let the tryptophan distribute itself throughout your circulatory system.

Previous Weeks:
Week #4: Mock the Terrorists

Week #3: Things to Do With Your Extra Daylight Savings Hour

Week #2: Rejected Old Wives’ Tales

Week #1: New Fears That a 2017-20 Republican Presidency Would Bring

In light of the last week’s events in Paris, we must #MockTheTerrorists (see the previous post). This can include riddles, funny limericks or haikus, one-liners, anything that allows us to retain a sense of humor through the ever-growing tragedies that are becoming all too commonplace. For example:

Q: How many terrorists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What’s the point? They don’t have electricity in the cave.

To play, post your own on Twitter to @pasquinade with the hashtag #MockTheTerrorists, comment on the post on our Facebook page, or comment here. I encourage you, as well, to share this post freely. The more folks playing the game, the more fun everyone has reading them. Then, just kick back and avoid any public places for a couple months.

Previous Weeks:

• Week #3: Things to Do With Your Extra Daylight Savings Hour
• Week #2: Rejected Old Wives’ Tales
• Week #1: New Fears That a 2017-20 Republican Presidency Would Bring

 Tonight’s the night we “fall back” and, in honor of this annual event, this week’s Listeria topic is Things to Do With Your Extra Daylight Savings Hour. An example might be:

That bag of Halloween candy ain’t gonna eat itself

To play, post your own on Twitter to @pasquinade with the hashtag #BonusHourActivities, comment on the post on our Facebook page, or comment here. I encourage you, as well, to share this post freely. The more folks playing the game, the more fun everyone has reading them. Then just sit back and enjoy the hayride.

We’re launching a new feature today along the lines of the #HashtagWars. The Pasquinade has always featured funny lists. Starting today, we’re experimenting with crowdsourcing the lists.

Each week or so, we’ll supply a topic–this week’s topic is New Fears That a 2017-20 Republican Presidency Would Bring–and you supply funny items for the list.

For example, a response to this week’s topic might be:

The next Republican president will build a wall around every Mexican restaurant in the United States.

You can post responses as a reply this post, on Twitter (add the following to your post: @pasquinade #NewRepubFears #ListeriaLists), or just email your list items to: editor-in-chief@nationalpasquinade.com.