2017 didn’t have a lot going for it. There were an increasing number of mass shootings, America transitioned into a bad reality show hosted by an angry old orangutan with tiny hands, and all of it costs more than it did in 2016.

But it’s a New Year. We have 365 days ahead of us. 365 potentially winning days. So break out the crystal ball, open that fresh deck of tarot cards, and put on those psychic mittens. Whatever it takes to prognosticate the winners of the next year. Thanks to Caldwell Murchfield (@caldmurchfield) for suggesting this one.

The Winners of 2018

• Pfizer. Again.
• La La Land… wait, no, it’s Moonlight. Again.
• The hare, finally.

To play, post your own answers on Twitter to @pasquinade with the hashtag #2018WillBeWonBy, comment on the post on our Facebook page, or comment here. I encourage you, as well, to share this post freely. The more folks playing, the more there is to enjoy.

If you have an idea for a future list, send it to us at submissions@nationalpasquinade.com, along with at least three list items for each list submitted. Maybe you’ll see your list in a future installment or even in the digital pages of National Pasquinade.

 

 

On October 26th, the government will release previously-classified documents regarding the investigation of the assassination of John F. Kennedy. The National Pasquinade and, by extension, its readers, are not above speculation. We all wondered what surprises might be revealed this week.

Surprises in the Newly-Released JFK Files

• The knoll was more weedy than it was grassy.
• The assassination was sponsored, in part, by Texas Instruments.
• Lee Harvey Oswald published his manifesto as a series of zines; his only subscriber was the FBI.
• All of the documents in the file were created using something called a “typewriter.”

To play, post your own answers on Twitter to @pasquinade with the hashtag #JFKFileSurprises, comment on the post on our Facebook page, or comment here. I encourage you, as well, to share this post freely. The more folks playing, the more there is to enjoy.

If you have an idea for a future list, send it to us at submissions@nationalpasquinade.com, along with at least three list items for each list submitted. Maybe you’ll see your list in a future installment or even in the digital pages of National Pasquinade.

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Update

Since running this last Sunday, we received some great tweets. Thanks to everyone who played.

• Oswald acted alone…when he portrayed John Wilkes Booth in an off-off Broadway one man play. (@caldmurchfield)
• J. Edgar Hoover ordered JFK’s assassination after he beat him in a drag competition at a local nightclub. (@ToomeyWright)
• The magic bullet was endorsed by Chris Angel. (@DocDarnell)
• Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a candlestick. (@UtilityInfieldr)
• “The grassy knoll” was JFK’s nickname for Marilyn Monroe’s beaver. (@jfredrick99)
• Thousands of unsolved ciphers written by Ted Cruz’s dad. (@Juicedog23)
• A second shooter was in the sewer, but the Ninja Turtles foiled his plans. (@wbllostsoul)
• Was preparing to retire from politics to manage The Beatles. (@GenXtremist)
• Oswald not thrilled with all the attention after all. (@simonjdickie)
• Oswald ran up an embarrassingly high tab at Ruby’s Carousel Club. Those old-school Dallas businessmen were kind of severe. (@StephanieTemo)
• JFK not that into “Camelot” thing (@teamyasumura)
• JFK wanted to start his presidency over after the Bay of Pigs fail so he changed his name to Jimmy Carter and moved to GA. (@PeterDeSilvey)
• Keith Hernandez most certainly spat at Kramer and Newman, with help from Roger McDowell. (@jruggiero86)
• I think the #JFKFiles will reveal that Billy Joel did it. When asked about it Billy said, “What else do I have to say?” (@slyarbrough)

It was recently revealed that former FBI director James Comey took extensive notes on everything, including his meetings with Donald Trump. This installment of Listeria wonders what Comey’s other musings might be.

Things James Comey Has Written in His Notebook

• That Gilmore Girls reunion on NetFlix? Really sweet. Even after binging it for the fifth time.
• Trump knows about the aliens. No, scratch that, he just talking about the Mexicans again.
• WTFWTFWTFWTFWTFWTF… (repeats for three and a half pages).

To play, post your own answers on Twitter to @pasquinade with the hashtag #StuffComeyWrote, comment on the post on our Facebook page, or comment here. I encourage you, as well, to share this post freely. The more folks playing, the more there is to enjoy.

If you have an idea for a future list, send it to us at submissions@nationalpasquinade.com, along with at least three list items for each list submitted. Maybe you’ll see your list in a future installment or even in the digital pages of National Pasquinade.

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Update: Here are some additional examples, posted earlier today.

• Having read his Twitter feed, I have to ponder the depths of Trump’s handwritten journal. Are they just doodles of penises?
• Ow!!! Writer’s Cramp!!! Damn it, why did I just write that?! I really need to stop writing this down! Oh my god, the pain!
• Then Donald grabbed my crotch as he looked me in the eye and, in his bedroom voice, said “Comey, Comey, Comey.”
• I’m good enough. I’m smart enough. And, goshdarnit, people like me.
• Dear Diary: Another day, another wedgie. If it’s the last thing I do, those rich orange-faced bastards will pay.
• The president said he wanted to start paying my salary in bitcoin, so I walked out of his office. Next thing I know…
• Never will I gorge myself on Taco Bell the night before testifying before Congress. Not good!
• I know the Colonel’s secret recipe, but I can’t even tell the president. #BurdensOfAnFBIDirector
• I want to help Mulder and Scully get to the truth, but Gorak the Orange-Haired has threatened to disintegrate my family.

This installment of Listeria was submitted by the Midnight Tree Bandit. He lives in Maine. Maine has already seen a great deal of snow this season. When huge amounts of snow fall, schools will close and students get to stay home; employers will sometimes grant their employees a day off from work. The above has been stated to give some context to this installment of Listeria to hashtaggers playing in Florida.

How to Spend a Snow Day

• Build a snow effigy of Donald Trump and hit it with a flamethrower, screaming “This is the best meltdown ever!  No body melts down like me!”
• Figure out how to make a snow devil
• Add stunt ramps to the local snowmobile trails

To play, post your own answers on Twitter to @pasquinade with the hashtag #SnowDayActivities, comment on the post on our Facebook page, or comment here. I encourage you, as well, to share this post freely. The more folks playing, the more there is to enjoy.

Still open:

• Listeria #17: #WhereTheTimeHasGone
• Listeria #16: #PokemonGoSafetyTips
• Listeria #15: #HillarysRejectedPasswords
• Listeria #14: #PatrioticSafetyTips
• Listeria #13: #BarberFauxPas

I live in a small town. When I came into town last week after work, it looked like the population had doubled overnight. Seemingly hundreds of teenagers walking around the town, faces glued to their smartphones, oblivious to anything outside of the slice of reality, augmented and otherwise, showing on their little palm-sized displays.

These kids need to be careful out there. And National Pasquinade’s Listeria is here to help.

This week, we offer up some tips to keep you safe while playing the game that two months from now will be about as fashionable as Trump juggling pet rocks while spinning a hula hoop. Play along on Facebook and Twitter and, when you skid into a group of Pokemon Go players that have wandered into your lane of traffic, steer into the skid.

Pokemon Go Safety Tips

• When the police pull you over for reckless driving, toss your cellphone under the car seat, then shotgun an emergency can of Pabst to distract the officer.
• Remember: None of this Pokemon stuff is real. As far as you know, none of it is real.
• Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right B A Duck (Seriously, duck!)

To play, post your own safety tips on Twitter to @pasquinade with the hashtag #PokemonGoSafetyTips, comment on the post on our Facebook page, or comment here. I encourage you, as well, to share this post freely. The more folks playing, the more there is to enjoy.

Still open:

• Listeria #15: #HillarysRejectedPasswords
• Listeria #14: #PatrioticSafetyTips
• Listeria #13: #BarberFauxPas

We’ve been making fun of Trump way too much. It’s time to change things up a bit and poke some fun at the other candidate, Bill Clinton.

Wait.

That’s not right.

Seriously, though. If we elect Hillary, Bill will be the First Lady and there should be no doubt that Hillary’s first mandate as Commander-in-Chief will be that Bill wear a dress in public for the next four years. A blue dress.

In this week’s Listeria, we theorize which passwords Hillary Clinton rejected when deciding on the one she would ultimately choose to protect her personal email server. Play along on Facebook and Twitter and we encourage you to use stronger passwords than these.

Hillary Clinton’s Rejected Email Server Passwords

• fel+Th3Bern
• blu3dre55
• bengaziSchmengazi
• password123

To play, post your own theories on Twitter to @pasquinade with the hashtag #HillarysRejectedPasswords, comment on the post on our Facebook page, or comment here. I encourage you, as well, to share this post freely. The more folks play, the more there is to enjoy.

Still open:

• Listeria #14: #PatrioticSafetyTips
• Listeria #13: #BarberFauxPas

Tomorrow is America’s 240th Birthday, and we know how clumsy old people are. Therefore, in this week’s Listeria, we offer up suggestions to keep Americans safe during the Independence Day weekend. Play along on Facebook and Twitter and we encourage you not to remove your safety goggles.

Independence Day Safety Tips

• During your town’s parade, back up an extra 100 yards when the ISIS float passes by.
• When lighting Roman Candles, be sure to point them away from your body and outside of Wal-Mart.
• Sparklers can be a safe way of celebrating the holiday, but jamming the whole package in your poopchute will likely lead to an emergency room visit. I’m talking to you, Mr. Trump.

To play, post your own on Twitter to @pasquinade with the hashtag #PatrioticSafetyTips, comment on the post on our Facebook page, or comment here. I encourage you, as well, to share this post freely. The more folks play, the more there is to enjoy.

Still open:

• Listeria #13: #BarberFauxPas

Today is National Beautician’s Day, so this week’s Listeria honors that beautician or barber that gives it their all to make you look good in front of your colleagues in that mandatory meeting where nothing will be accomplished, or in front of all the other soccer moms who are most likely talking smack about that big butt of yours as you’re walking back to the minivan for a light sweater because you’re chilly.

Bad Things to Say to Your Hairdresser

• So, you’re like an expensive Flowbee, right?
• Can you drink that blue stuff? It looks tasty.
• Just give me the “Trump.”

To play, post your own on Twitter to @pasquinade with the hashtag #BarberFauxPas, comment on the post on our Facebook page, or comment here. I encourage you, as well, to share this post freely. The more folks play, the more there is to enjoy.

Note: The first twelve installments of Listeria are now closed. You can still contribute to those lists, but National Pasquinade No. 75 has been published. Chances, however, are really good that one of your posts will be featured in National Pasquinade No. 76.

About three weeks ago, I had to euthanize my almost ten-year-old Manx after a very sudden illness that the veterinarians were unable to diagnose. She will be sadly missed. That’s her in the picture. She was a cutie, eh?

In this installment of Listeria, I decided to put together the whole list myself. You’re welcome to contribute to the list, to one-up me with your own comic masterpieces, but this is my contribution and tribute to a cat that frustrated the hell out of me as much as she loved and was loved.

What Happened to My Cat’s Other Eight Lives?! Huh?!

1. Death-By-Catnip
2. That toaster didn’t toss itself into the bathtub
3. I probably shouldn’t have named him “Kervorkian”
4. Brutally beheaded by the neighbor’s cat, ironically named “Isis”
5. Accidentally crushed by the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota
6. Worst. Hairball. Ever!
7. Probably shouldn’t have used real poison during re-enactment of “Romeo and Juliet”
8. That Fugu-flavored Fancy Feast may not have been properly prepared

To play, post your own on Twitter to @pasquinade with the hashtag #OtherEightLives, comment on the post on our Facebook page, or comment here. I encourage you, as well, to share this post freely. Previous topics, listed below, are still open. The more folks play, the more there is to enjoy.

Remember, if you don’t want to play this week’s game, there are previous Listeria topics still in play. Chances are still really good that one of your posts will be featured in the next ebook issue of National Pasquinade.

Previous Weeks:

Listeria #11: Things I Was Surprised to Discover Residing in My Hockey Playoff Beard During the Second Round

Listeria #10: What the Groundhog Saw

Listeria #9: Nicknames for the Blizzard of 2016

Listeria #8: Best of/Worst of 2015

Listeria #7: Dirty Peanuts

Listeria #6: Christmas Creepy

Listeria #5: Turkey Bands

Listeria #4: Mock the Terrorists

Listeria #3: Things to Do With Your Extra Daylight Savings Hour

Listeria #2: Rejected Old Wives’ Tales

Listeria #1: New Fears That a 2017-20 Republican Presidency Would Bring

It’s hockey playoff season and that means playoff beards are in bloom. I’ve been growing my own and made some surprising discoveries within the forest of hair.

This Listeria topic is Things I Was Surprised to Discover Residing in My Hockey Playoff Beard During the Second Round. Just give us an appropriately funny item that fits the theme. For example:

Dessert

My other sock

The winning lottery ticket I swear I bought last month

To play, post your own on Twitter to @pasquinade with the hashtag #BeardDiscoveries, comment on the post on our Facebook page, or comment here. I encourage you, as well, to share this post freely. Previous topics, listed below, are still open. The more folks playing the game, the more fun everyone has reading them. Then, apply copious amounts of beard wax and enjoy the fun.

Remember, if you don’t want to play this week’s game, there are previous Listeria topics still in play. Chances are still really good that one of your posts will be featured in the next ebook issue of National Pasquinade.

Previous Weeks:

Listeria #10: What the Groundhog Saw

Listeria #9: Nicknames for the Blizzard of 2016

Listeria #8: Best of/Worst of 2015

Listeria #7: Dirty Peanuts

Listeria #6: Christmas Creepy

Listeria #5: Turkey Bands

Listeria #4: Mock the Terrorists

Listeria #3: Things to Do With Your Extra Daylight Savings Hour

Listeria #2: Rejected Old Wives’ Tales

Listeria #1: New Fears That a 2017-20 Republican Presidency Would Bring