Author: pasquinade

Poorly-dressed Editor-in-Chief of National Pasquinade. Mostly funny.
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Listeria #17: Where The Time Has Gone

Listeria #17Happy New Years’ Eve. It’s been awhile since posting a new Listeria topic. But I wanted to get one more in before the end of 2016.

This time, we wonder where the time has gone. Play along on Facebook and Twitter and, when the ball drops, remember the optimism that a new year brings. And try not to kiss a frog.

Where The Time Has Gone

  • Nowhere. There are still three issues in my doctor’s waiting room.
  • On the corner of Mill and Union Streets.
  • How would I know? I can’t even find my car keys!
  • It’s being shared with an older couple in Boca Raton.

To play, post your own answers on Twitter to @pasquinade with the hashtag #WhereTheTimeHasGone, comment on the post on our Facebook page, or comment here. I encourage you, as well, to share this post freely. The more folks playing, the more there is to enjoy.

Still open:

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Humor Writing Prompts

Humor Writing Prompts

“If I didn’t have writing, I’d be running down the street hurling grenades in people’s faces.” —Paul Fussell

A good friend of mine from way back in the middle ages decided last week to start writing daily on his old LiveJournal feed. I’d almost forgotten I had an account there myself. I haven’t posted there in years, but luckily my browser still remembered my password.

So, as a way of getting those creative juices flowing in the new year for my friend and anyone else with writers’ constipation, I figured I could throw out an occasional writing prompt, with a strong leaning toward the humorous, to get you started. Which direction you take it in is entirely up to you.

Humor Writing Prompt #1: Since it’s Christmas Eve, compose a story or chapter that begins with the following line:

The first sign there was going to be trouble was when the Santa Tracker at NORAD went dark.

Share your results, or a link to your results if they’re longer, in the comments, if you feel so compelled. Happy writing.

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Listeria #16: Pokemon Go Safety Tips

Listeria #16: #PokemonGoSafetyTipsI live in a small town. When I came into town last week after work, it looked like the population had doubled overnight. Seemingly hundreds of teenagers walking around the town, faces glued to their smartphones, oblivious to anything outside of the slice of reality, augmented and otherwise, showing on their little palm-sized displays.

These kids need to be careful out there. And National Pasquinade’s Listeria is here to help.

This week, we offer up some tips to keep you safe while playing the game that two months from now will be about as fashionable as Trump juggling pet rocks while spinning a hula hoop. Play along on Facebook and Twitter and, when you skid into a group of Pokemon Go players that have wandered into your lane of traffic, steer into the skid.

Pokemon Go Safety Tips

  • When the police pull you over for reckless driving, toss your cellphone under the car seat, then shotgun an emergency can of Pabst to distract the officer.
  • Remember: None of this Pokemon stuff is real. As far as you know, none of it is real.
  • Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right B A Duck (Seriously, duck!)

To play, post your own safety tips on Twitter to @pasquinade with the hashtag #PokemonGoSafetyTips, comment on the post on our Facebook page, or comment here. I encourage you, as well, to share this post freely. The more folks playing, the more there is to enjoy.

Still open:

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Listeria #15: Hillary Clinton’s Rejected Email Server Passwords

No. 15 - Hillarys Rejected PasswordsWe’ve been making fun of Trump way too much. It’s time to change things up a bit and poke some fun at the other candidate, Bill Clinton.

Wait.

That’s not right.

Seriously, though. If we elect Hillary, Bill will be the First Lady and there should be no doubt that Hillary’s first mandate as Commander-in-Chief will be that Bill wear a dress in public for the next four years. A blue dress.

In this week’s Listeria, we theorize which passwords Hillary Clinton rejected when deciding on the one she would ultimately choose to protect her personal email server. Play along on Facebook and Twitter and we encourage you to use stronger passwords than these.

Hillary Clinton’s Rejected Email Server Passwords

  • fel+Th3Bern
  • blu3dre55
  • bengaziSchmengazi
  • password123

To play, post your own theories on Twitter to @pasquinade with the hashtag #HillarysRejectedPasswords, comment on the post on our Facebook page, or comment here. I encourage you, as well, to share this post freely. The more folks play, the more there is to enjoy.

Still open:

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Listeria #14: Independence Day Safety Tips

Independence Day Safety TipsTomorrow is America’s 240th Birthday, and we know how clumsy old people are. Therefore, in this week’s Listeria, we offer up suggestions to keep Americans safe during the Independence Day weekend. Play along on Facebook and Twitter and we encourage you not to remove your safety goggles.

Independence Day Safety Tips

  • During your town’s parade, back up an extra 100 yards when the ISIS float passes by.
  • When lighting Roman Candles, be sure to point them away from your body and outside of Wal-Mart.
  • Sparklers can be a safe way of celebrating the holiday, but jamming the whole package in your poopchute will likely lead to an emergency room visit. I’m talking to you, Mr. Trump.

To play, post your own on Twitter to @pasquinade with the hashtag #PatrioticSafetyTips, comment on the post on our Facebook page, or comment here. I encourage you, as well, to share this post freely. The more folks play, the more there is to enjoy.

Still open:

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Listeria #13: Bad Things to Say to Your Hairdresser

#BarberFauxPasToday is National Beautician’s Day, so this week’s Listeria honors that beautician or barber that gives it their all to make you look good in front of your colleagues in that mandatory meeting where nothing will be accomplished, or in front of all the other soccer moms who are most likely talking smack about that big butt of yours as you’re walking back to the minivan for a light sweater because you’re chilly.

Bad Things to Say to Your Hairdresser

  • So, you’re like an expensive Flowbee, right?
  • Can you drink that blue stuff? It looks tasty.
  • Just give me the “Trump.”

To play, post your own on Twitter to @pasquinade with the hashtag #BarberFauxPas, comment on the post on our Facebook page, or comment here. I encourage you, as well, to share this post freely. The more folks play, the more there is to enjoy.

Note: The first twelve installments of Listeria are now closed. You can still contribute to those lists, but National Pasquinade No. 75 has been published. Chances, however, are really good that one of your posts will be featured in National Pasquinade No. 76.

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Listeria #12: What Happened to My Cat’s Other Eight Lives?! Huh?!

Nyx In BoxAbout three weeks ago, I had to euthanize my almost ten-year-old Manx after a very sudden illness that the veterinarians were unable to diagnose. She will be sadly missed. That’s her in the picture. She was a cutie, eh?

In this installment of Listeria, I decided to put together the whole list myself. You’re welcome to contribute to the list, to one-up me with your own comic masterpieces, but this is my contribution and tribute to a cat that frustrated the hell out of me as much as she loved and was loved.

What Happened to My Cat’s Other Eight Lives?! Huh?!

  1. Death-By-Catnip
  2. That toaster didn’t toss itself into the bathtub
  3. I probably shouldn’t have named him “Kervorkian”
  4. Brutally beheaded by the neighbor’s cat, ironically named “Isis”
  5. Accidentally crushed by the biggest ball of twine in Minnesota
  6. Worst. Hairball. Ever!
  7. Probably shouldn’t have used real poison during re-enactment of “Romeo and Juliet”
  8. That Fugu-flavored Fancy Feast may not have been properly prepared

To play, post your own on Twitter to @pasquinade with the hashtag #OtherEightLives, comment on the post on our Facebook page, or comment here. I encourage you, as well, to share this post freely. Previous topics, listed below, are still open. The more folks play, the more there is to enjoy.

Remember, if you don’t want to play this week’s game, there are previous Listeria topics still in play. Chances are still really good that one of your posts will be featured in the next ebook issue of National Pasquinade.

Previous Weeks:

Listeria #11: Things I Was Surprised to Discover Residing in My Hockey Playoff Beard During the Second Round

Listeria #10: What the Groundhog Saw

Listeria #9: Nicknames for the Blizzard of 2016

Listeria #8: Best of/Worst of 2015

Listeria #7: Dirty Peanuts

Listeria #6: Christmas Creepy

Listeria #5: Turkey Bands

Listeria #4: Mock the Terrorists

Listeria #3: Things to Do With Your Extra Daylight Savings Hour

Listeria #2: Rejected Old Wives’ Tales

Listeria #1: New Fears That a 2017-20 Republican Presidency Would Bring

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Listeria #11: Things I Was Surprised to Discover Residing in My Hockey Playoff Beard During the Second Round

#BeardDiscoveriesIt’s hockey playoff season and that means playoff beards are in bloom. I’ve been growing my own and made some surprising discoveries within the forest of hair.

This Listeria topic is Things I Was Surprised to Discover Residing in My Hockey Playoff Beard During the Second Round. Just give us an appropriately funny item that fits the theme. For example:

Dessert

My other sock

The winning lottery ticket I swear I bought last month

To play, post your own on Twitter to @pasquinade with the hashtag #BeardDiscoveries, comment on the post on our Facebook page, or comment here. I encourage you, as well, to share this post freely. Previous topics, listed below, are still open. The more folks playing the game, the more fun everyone has reading them. Then, apply copious amounts of beard wax and enjoy the fun.

Remember, if you don’t want to play this week’s game, there are previous Listeria topics still in play. Chances are still really good that one of your posts will be featured in the next ebook issue of National Pasquinade.

Previous Weeks:

Listeria #10: What the Groundhog Saw

Listeria #9: Nicknames for the Blizzard of 2016

Listeria #8: Best of/Worst of 2015

Listeria #7: Dirty Peanuts

Listeria #6: Christmas Creepy

Listeria #5: Turkey Bands

Listeria #4: Mock the Terrorists

Listeria #3: Things to Do With Your Extra Daylight Savings Hour

Listeria #2: Rejected Old Wives’ Tales

Listeria #1: New Fears That a 2017-20 Republican Presidency Would Bring

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Fuzzy Deadlines

We were shooting for January to release the Cowering in Fear issue. And it’s February. Late February. Stress on the word “late.”

Therefore, we’ve pushed the new issue out a little to release in late March or April. A spring release. In someone’s eyes, maybe that’s appropriate. “Spring release”? Get it?

Anyway.

There have been several reasons for pushing this deadline out. Here are some of those reasons:

  1. Lack of submissions. I don’t really feel that I’ve gotten the word out to the degree that it needs to be gotten out. I’d like to see another one or two pieces in this issue to beef up the word count a bit. So, if you’re reading this, tweet or post to all your fledgling writer friends that NatPasq is looking for submissions which can be emailed to submissions@nationalpasquinade.com. If they say they don’t have email, tell them they don’t have any friends either. Luddite losers.
  2. Regular Features. I’m still determining what recurring sections will be a part of the electronic version. So far, Editorial-In-Chief, Letters section, the Muselist, and Listeria, will definitely be recurring. One or two other ideas are germinating, but it’s been a cold winter and it’s hard to grow anything this time of the year.
  3. Make America Great Again. It seemed much more appropriate to have our next theme be issue seventy-six instead of seventy-five.
  4. Time. I’m told by experts that it is linear.

Please spread the word the best you can through your favorite social media, word of mouth, or even more creative venues (eg, via Post-It Notes™ placed strategically on page 75 of library books on Creative Writing). I’m trying but I need every little bit of help that I can get. Ultimately, I want NatPasq to be a group effort, a labor of love, between like-minded humorists.

Thank you.