Author: pasquinade

Poorly-dressed Editor-in-Chief of National Pasquinade. Mostly funny.
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Humor Writing Prompt #18: End-of-Year Best-Of Lists

Humor Writing Prompts

“I want to take all our best moments, put them in a jar, and take them out like cookies and savor each one of them forever.”

—Crystal Woods

In an ongoing attempt to jump-start your attempt to pen something uproariously funny, or at the very least amusing, here’s another jolt of inspiration for you creative types to use however you like.

This is the time of year for reflections. Find a published (internet or print media) Best of 2017 ranked list and look at the third item. This is the focus of your funny story. #EOYBOL

When you’ve finished, if you feel compelled, share your results (or a link to your results if they’re longer) in the comments. And if your story fits with our upcoming theme issue, “Winning,” consider submitting it for publication in National Pasquinade.

Happy writing.

 

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Merry Christmas from Natty Pasq

Merry Christmas from National Pasquinade

The Dude gets two birthday celebrations a year, and this is the bigger one. So, Christ, let’s get our party on!

Despite only publishing three issues (again!), National Pasquinade has had an awesome 2017. We made America Grate Again, got our Luck on, and celebrated twenty awesome freaking years of laughter (give or take eighteen years).

Back in March, we created a closed Facebook group for The Occoquan Pasquinade, a loose coalition of contributors to the magazine that is still trying to find its voice. It’s a little hoarse. Something is going around.

And we’ve met some awesome and talented people this year, most notably Kelaine and the staff of The Prompt, Norm and Adam at Humor Writers of America, and way too many amazing folks on Twitter that, despite some resistance, I will someday convince to write for National Pasquinade.

Finally, I gave this website a little facelift a couple days ago. I like the new look and I hope you find it appealing as well. Let me know what you think in the comments.

Twenty seventeen was a very amusing and, at times, a very stressful year. Twenty eighteen begins in about a week and resets the calendar to day one. I’m looking forward to a lot of great humor and satire gracing the pages of National Pasquinade, increased participation in the Humor Writing Prompts, and anticipating a great deal of new talent contributing to The Occoquan Pasquinade.

And, of course, four solid issues.

For all our readers in 2017 and our future readers in 2018 and beyond, have an amazing Christmas and let’s talk again after you all sober up in a week or so.

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Muselist No. 80: Winning #

Muselist LogoMusic has always come hand-in-hand with putting together each issue of the National Pasquinade, inspiring the content and creation. Hell, “muse” is even part of the word!

What follows here are some tunes to inspire myself and the other writers and artists during the creation of the upcoming Winning #. Maybe they’ll also inspire you to create and submit your own comic masterpiece. Submissions can be emailed to us at submissions@nationalpasquinade.com.

If you’d like to listen on Spotify, I’ve created a playlist just for you (note that all of the songs listed below may not be available on Spotify). Then tell us your favorite song about “Winning” in the comments.

  • “Winning” (Santana)
  • “Life’s Been Good” (Joe Walsh)
  • “We Are the Champions” (Queen)
  • “Win It All” (Smash Palace)
  • “Finish What Ya Started” (Van Halen)
  • “The Winner Takes It All” (ABBA)
  • “Win Your Love For Me” (Sam Cooke)
  • “The Distance” (Cake)
  • “Winners and Losers” (Hamilton, Joe Frank & Reynolds)*
  • “Playing To Win” (Little River Band)
  • “I’m Gonna Win” (Foreigner)
  • “Eye of the Tiger” (Survivor)
  • “Started From the Bottom” (Drake)
  • “The Final Countdown” (Europe)
  • “Roar” (Katy Perry)
  • “Ain’t No Stoppin’ Us Now” (McFadden and Whitehead)
  • “Thunder Road” (Bruce Springsteen)
  • “Every 1’s a Winner” (Hot Chocolate)
  • “Live to Win” (Motörhead)
  • “Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now” (Starship)
  • “On Top of the World” (Imagine Dragons)
  • “Winner” (Pet Shop Boys)
  • “Marathon” (Rush)

*Not available on Spotify

Spotify playlists are provided for your entertainment and may contain language or situations not appropriate for younger ears or a sensitive workplace. Please exercise caution and/or headphones where necessary.

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Humor Writing Prompt #17: Xmas Rx

Humor Writing Prompts

“This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue pill – the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill – you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes.”

—Morpheus (“The Matrix”)

In an ongoing attempt to jump-start your attempt to pen something uproariously funny, or at the very least amusing, here’s another jolt of inspiration for you creative types to use however you like.

You have a red pill. You have a green pill. Write a funny story that tells us what happens next? #RedPillGreenPill

When you’ve finished, if you feel compelled, share your results (or a link to your results if they’re longer) in the comments. And if your story fits with our upcoming theme issue, “Winning,” consider submitting it for publication in National Pasquinade.

Happy writing.

 

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20th Anniversary # (No. 79, Autumn 2017)

20th Anniversary #

A long time in the making, our 20th Anniversary Issue, is now available for download.

Featuring humorous stories and articles from the last twenty years, give or take eighteen, as well as our usual letters and lists, this may be the ultimate gift for your loved ones, you cheap bastard.

It is currently available as a mobi file for Kindle users, an epub for other e-readers, and as a PDF for everyone else. More details can be found on the Downloads page.

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Humor Writing Prompt #16: Closing Line

Humor Writing Prompts

“Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.”

—Semisonic “Closing Time”

In an ongoing attempt to jump-start your attempt to pen something uproariously funny, or at the very least amusing, here’s another jolt of inspiration for you creative types to use however you like.

Pull any novel from your bookshelf (or eBook reader), any genre, and find the last sentence in the book. This final line is now the first sentence of the first paragraph of your new funny story. Ideally, this new story should have nothing to do with the original. #ClosingLine

When you’ve finished, if you feel compelled, share your results (or a link to your results if they’re longer) in the comments. And if your story fits with our upcoming theme issue, “Winning,” consider submitting it for publication in National Pasquinade.

Happy writing.

 

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Humor Writing Prompt #15: NatPasq 20th Anniversary, Part 10 of 10

Humor Writing Prompts

“Take away that pudding—it has no theme.”

—Sir Winston Churchill

Ten weeks ago, National Pasquinade began prompting you with themes from the last twenty years of the magazine. The challenge each week is to write a funny piece, based on the themes below, that could have appeared in the magazine during the issue’s time frame.

Time Frame: Summer 2014 through Winter 2015/2016. We’ve reached the end of our journey through time. Create a funny story, parody, or article based on one of the following themes:

  • What I Did Last Summer and the Summer Before That
  • The Very-Difficult-To-Read
  • Hot Lead Death
  • Disconnected
  • The New Freedom
  • Pandering
  • Pasquinade For Dummies

Share your results, or a link to your results if they’re longer, in the comments, if you feel so compelled. If you’re especially satisfied with your results, why not submit your finished piece to National Pasquinade for its 20th Anniversary Issue? The deadline for submissions is November 15, 2017, if you pay attention to deadlines.Happy writing.

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Humor Writing Prompt #14: NatPasq 20th Anniversary, Part 9 of 10

Humor Writing Prompts

“Take away that pudding—it has no theme.”

—Sir Winston Churchill

Last month, National Pasquinade began prompting you with themes from the last twenty years of the magazine. The challenge each week is to write a funny piece, based on the themes below, that could have appeared in the magazine during the issue’s time frame.

Time Frame: Fall 2012 through Spring 2014. When the weddings were red and the lines were blurred. Create a funny story, parody, or article based on one of the following themes:

  • Back To Work Special
  • National Pasquinade: The Musical
  • The Science of Science
  • The Conjured
  • Re-Doped
  • Good ‘n’ Evil
  • Forever

Share your results, or a link to your results if they’re longer, in the comments, if you feel so compelled. If you’re especially satisfied with your results, why not submit your finished piece to National Pasquinade for its 20th Anniversary Issue? The deadline for submissions is November 15, 2017, if you pay attention to deadlines.Happy writing.

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Listeria #20: Surprises in the Newly-Released JFK Files

#JFKFileSurprises

 

On October 26th, the government will release previously-classified documents regarding the investigation of the assassination of John F. Kennedy. The National Pasquinade and, by extension, its readers, are not above speculation. We all wondered what surprises might be revealed this week.

Surprises in the Newly-Released JFK Files

  • The knoll was more weedy than it was grassy.
  • The assassination was sponsored, in part, by Texas Instruments.
  • Lee Harvey Oswald published his manifesto as a series of zines; his only subscriber was the FBI.
  • All of the documents in the file were created using something called a “typewriter.”

To play, post your own answers on Twitter to @pasquinade with the hashtag #JFKFileSurprises, comment on the post on our Facebook page, or comment here. I encourage you, as well, to share this post freely. The more folks playing, the more there is to enjoy.

If you have an idea for a future list, send it to us at submissions@nationalpasquinade.com, along with at least three list items for each list submitted. Maybe you’ll see your list in a future installment or even in the digital pages of National Pasquinade.

Update

Since running this last Sunday, we received some great tweets. Thanks to everyone who played.

  • Oswald acted alone…when he portrayed John Wilkes Booth in an off-off Broadway one man play. (@caldmurchfield)
  • J. Edgar Hoover ordered JFK’s assassination after he beat him in a drag competition at a local nightclub. (@ToomeyWright)
  • The magic bullet was endorsed by Chris Angel. (@DocDarnell)
  • Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a candlestick. (@UtilityInfieldr)
  • “The grassy knoll” was JFK’s nickname for Marilyn Monroe’s beaver. (@jfredrick99)
  • Thousands of unsolved ciphers written by Ted Cruz’s dad. (@Juicedog23)
  • A second shooter was in the sewer, but the Ninja Turtles foiled his plans. (@wbllostsoul)
  • Was preparing to retire from politics to manage The Beatles. (@GenXtremist)
  • Oswald not thrilled with all the attention after all. (@simonjdickie)
  • Oswald ran up an embarrassingly high tab at Ruby’s Carousel Club. Those old-school Dallas businessmen were kind of severe. (@StephanieTemo)
  • JFK not that into “Camelot” thing (@teamyasumura)
  • JFK wanted to start his presidency over after the Bay of Pigs fail so he changed his name to Jimmy Carter and moved to GA. (@PeterDeSilvey)
  • Keith Hernandez most certainly spat at Kramer and Newman, with help from Roger McDowell. (@jruggiero86)
  • I think the #JFKFiles will reveal that Billy Joel did it. When asked about it Billy said, “What else do I have to say?” (@slyarbrough)
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Muselist No. 79: Anniversary #

Muselist LogoMusic has always come hand-in-hand with putting together each issue of the National Pasquinade, inspiring the content and creation. Hell, “muse” is even part of the word!

What follows here are some tunes to inspire myself and the other writers and artists during the creation of the upcoming Anniversary #. Maybe they’ll also inspire you to create and submit your own comic masterpiece. Submissions can be emailed to us at submissions@nationalpasquinade.com. This is a special issue and a special theme with some rules (nothing too difficult, I assure you), so please read through our Submissions page, and devour a recent issue or two, before submitting, so that you have some idea of what we’re looking for.

If you’d like to listen on Spotify, I’ve created a playlist just for you (note that all of the songs listed below may not be available on Spotify).

  • “Yearbook” (Splitsville)
  • “1999” (Prince)
  • “Anniversary” (The Cure)
  • “Birthday” (The Beatles)
  • “Once I Was” (Mike Viola and the Candy Butchers)
  • “Anniversary Song” (Django Reinhardt)
  • “Champagne Corolla” (Justin Townes Earle)
  • “Anniversary” (The Pogues)
  • “Mickey’s Son and Daughter” (Bonzo Dog Band)
  • “Celebration of the Lizard” (The Doors)
  • “Anniversary Song” (Cowboy Junkies)
  • “Celebration” (Kool and the Gang)
  • “Anniversary” (Tony! Toni! Tone!)
  • “Champagne Supernova (Oasis)

Additionally, Wayne Tuttle submitted a Muselist for this issue before realizing that it was supposed to follow the issue theme. No worries, though. I wanted to include it here anyway, since this issue is kind of a mixed bag of “former” themes. Here’s a link to the Spotify playlist for this one.

  • “The Intro and the Outro” (Bonzo Dog Band)
  • “Cleetus Awreetus-Awrightus” (Frank Zappa)
  • “Ali Baba’s Camel” (Bonzo Dog Band)
  • “Chateau Lafitte ’59 Boogie” (Foghat)
  • “Will Not Be Your Fool” (David Bromberg)
  • “Blind Eye” (Wishbone Ash)
  • “Tell Mama” (Savoy Brown)
  • “Walkin’ One and Only” (Dan Hicks and His Hot Licks)
  • “She’s Not Yours She’s His” (The Mod-est Lads)
  • “Happy Cake Monkey Bread” (Nick Safari and His Swingin’ Menagerie)
  • “Sputnik Spy From Outer Space” (The Mod-est Lads)
  • “Black Dog” (Dread Zeppelin)*
  • “It’s Only Love” (Blodwyn Pig)
  • “Soul Fixin’ Man” (Luther Allison)
  • “Hot Rod Lincoln” (Bill Kirchen)

*Not available on Spotify

Spotify playlists are provided for your entertainment and may contain language or situations not appropriate for younger ears or a sensitive workplace. Please exercise caution and/or headphones where necessary.