Tomorrow is America’s 240th Birthday, and we know how clumsy old people are. Therefore, in this week’s Listeria, we offer up suggestions to keep Americans safe during the Independence Day weekend. Play along on Facebook and Twitter and we encourage you not to remove your safety goggles.

Independence Day Safety Tips

• During your town’s parade, back up an extra 100 yards when the ISIS float passes by.
• When lighting Roman Candles, be sure to point them away from your body and outside of Wal-Mart.
• Sparklers can be a safe way of celebrating the holiday, but jamming the whole package in your poopchute will likely lead to an emergency room visit. I’m talking to you, Mr. Trump.

To play, post your own on Twitter to @pasquinade with the hashtag #PatrioticSafetyTips, comment on the post on our Facebook page, or comment here. I encourage you, as well, to share this post freely. The more folks play, the more there is to enjoy.

Still open:

• Listeria #13: #BarberFauxPas