I live in a small town. When I came into town last week after work, it looked like the population had doubled overnight. Seemingly hundreds of teenagers walking around the town, faces glued to their smartphones, oblivious to anything outside of the slice of reality, augmented and otherwise, showing on their little palm-sized displays.

These kids need to be careful out there. And National Pasquinade’s Listeria is here to help.

This week, we offer up some tips to keep you safe while playing the game that two months from now will be about as fashionable as Trump juggling pet rocks while spinning a hula hoop. Play along on Facebook and Twitter and, when you skid into a group of Pokemon Go players that have wandered into your lane of traffic, steer into the skid.

Pokemon Go Safety Tips

• When the police pull you over for reckless driving, toss your cellphone under the car seat, then shotgun an emergency can of Pabst to distract the officer.
• Remember: None of this Pokemon stuff is real. As far as you know, none of it is real.
• Up Up Down Down Left Right Left Right B A Duck (Seriously, duck!)

To play, post your own safety tips on Twitter to @pasquinade with the hashtag #PokemonGoSafetyTips, comment on the post on our Facebook page, or comment here. I encourage you, as well, to share this post freely. The more folks playing, the more there is to enjoy.

Still open:

• Listeria #15: #HillarysRejectedPasswords
• Listeria #14: #PatrioticSafetyTips
• Listeria #13: #BarberFauxPas

We’ve been making fun of Trump way too much. It’s time to change things up a bit and poke some fun at the other candidate, Bill Clinton.

Wait.

That’s not right.

Seriously, though. If we elect Hillary, Bill will be the First Lady and there should be no doubt that Hillary’s first mandate as Commander-in-Chief will be that Bill wear a dress in public for the next four years. A blue dress.

In this week’s Listeria, we theorize which passwords Hillary Clinton rejected when deciding on the one she would ultimately choose to protect her personal email server. Play along on Facebook and Twitter and we encourage you to use stronger passwords than these.

Hillary Clinton’s Rejected Email Server Passwords

• fel+Th3Bern
• blu3dre55
• bengaziSchmengazi
• password123

To play, post your own theories on Twitter to @pasquinade with the hashtag #HillarysRejectedPasswords, comment on the post on our Facebook page, or comment here. I encourage you, as well, to share this post freely. The more folks play, the more there is to enjoy.

Still open:

• Listeria #14: #PatrioticSafetyTips
• Listeria #13: #BarberFauxPas

Tomorrow is America’s 240th Birthday, and we know how clumsy old people are. Therefore, in this week’s Listeria, we offer up suggestions to keep Americans safe during the Independence Day weekend. Play along on Facebook and Twitter and we encourage you not to remove your safety goggles.

Independence Day Safety Tips

• During your town’s parade, back up an extra 100 yards when the ISIS float passes by.
• When lighting Roman Candles, be sure to point them away from your body and outside of Wal-Mart.
• Sparklers can be a safe way of celebrating the holiday, but jamming the whole package in your poopchute will likely lead to an emergency room visit. I’m talking to you, Mr. Trump.

To play, post your own on Twitter to @pasquinade with the hashtag #PatrioticSafetyTips, comment on the post on our Facebook page, or comment here. I encourage you, as well, to share this post freely. The more folks play, the more there is to enjoy.

Still open:

• Listeria #13: #BarberFauxPas