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Humor Writing Prompts #21: In Memoriam

“Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.”

— George Bernard Shaw

In an ongoing attempt to spark the flame of creativity, we at the National Pasquinade occasionally will occasionally prompt you with a writing challenge. This is one of those.

All things must end, but these ending things need not pass unnoticed.

For this humor prompt, memorialize a person, a thing, a group of people or things, an idea, anything that is ending and should not be forgotten.

When you’ve completed the challenge, share your results (or a link to your results if it’s longer) in the comments. If it fits one of our upcoming themes, consider submitting it for publication in National Pasquinade.

Happy writing.

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Better Late…

I apologize for the extended hiatus. Between work and some medical issues in the last year, National Pasquinade had to take some unplanned time off.

These things happen.

But new issues are being planned starting with the Spring 2019 issue. The “Fashionably Late #” will be a mixed bag issue, so anything goes as long as it’s funny.

This issue will not have a Muselist (unless someone wants to create one). Deadline is July 31 for a publication around mid-August. Details on our Submissions page.

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Dunleath Porchfest

2018 Dunleath PorchfestTwo weekends a year, NatPasq’s hometown of Occoquan shuts itself off to vehicular traffic and opens its streets to pedestrian traffic so that vendors from all over the country can sell their crafts. A huge pain in the ass, but it keeps our property taxes low.

One day last year, the people in the Dunleath community in Greensboro, North Carolina, turned their porches into stages for entertainers of all sorts. That’s a hell of a lot cooler than tents full of shitty jewelry.

It was such a success, they’re doing it again this year! The 2nd Annual Dunleath Porchfest happens from Noon to 5 this Saturday and features over thirty entertainers performing on the porches of people’s houses!

To really make the trip worthwhile, Chris Espenshade, will be reading several chapters from his upcoming book, including his story “Another Day in the Blind,” which appears in the latest issue of National Pasquinade.

If you live close enough to attend, and it sounds like it’s going to be a blast, get in the car and go! If you do, send us your pictures of Chris flawlessly reading his insane stories and we’ll post them here.

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Muselist No. 81: Wasted #

Muselist LogoMusic has always come hand-in-hand with putting together each issue of the National Pasquinade, inspiring the content and creation. Hell, “muse” is even part of the word!

What follows here are some tunes to inspire myself and the other writers and artists during the creation of the upcoming Wasted #. Maybe they’ll also inspire you to create and submit your own comic masterpiece. Submissions can be emailed to us at submissions@nationalpasquinade.com.

If you’d like to listen on Spotify, I’ve created a playlist just for you (note that all of the songs listed below may not be available on Spotify). Then tell us your favorite song about being “Wasted” in the comments.

  • “Wasted Afternoon” (Louden Swain)
  • “Margaritaville” (Jimmy Buffett)
  • “Wasted Times” (The Weeknd)
  • “California Wasted” (Toad the Wet Sprocket)
  • “Wasted On The Way” (Crosby Stills and Nash)
  • “Baba O’Riley” (The Who)
  • “Wasted Time” (The Eagles)
  • “Dust in the Wind” (Kansas)
  • “Wasted Words” (The Allman Brothers Band)
  • “Give Booze a Chance” (Bonzo Dog Band)
  • “Wasted Days and Wasted Nights” (Freddy Fender)
  • “Is That All There Is?” (Peggy Lee)
  • “Wasted” (Mazzy Star)
  • “(Man Who Shot) Liberty Valance” (Gene Pitney)
  • “Wasted & Ready” (Ben Kweller)
  • “Ohio” (Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young)
  • “Wasted” (Old 97’s)
  • “Look What I Found in My Beer” (The Beautiful South)
  • “Wasted Years” (Maroon 5)
  • “Labeled With Love” (Squeeze)
  • “Wasted” (Def Leppard)
  • “Rainy Day Women #12 & 35” (Bob Dylan)
  • “Wasted Hours” (Arcade Fire)
  • “Cocaine” (Eric Clapton)
  • “Life Wasted” (Pearl Jam)
  • “Mustache Man (Wasted)” (Cake)
  • “Long and Wasted Years” (Bob Dylan)

*Not available on Spotify

Spotify playlists are provided for your entertainment and may contain language or situations not appropriate for younger ears or a sensitive workplace. Please exercise caution and/or headphones where necessary.

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Winning # (No. 80, Spring 2018)

Our Winning # is now available for download. Be the first to download it and read it, then share it with all of your loser friends while stating proudly “I read it before you, loser friend! Ha ha!”

Featuring humorous stories and articles from Chris Espenshade, Wayne Tuttle, and the usual contributors, you’ll want to proudly display this issue on the mantle next to that bowling trophy you won in ’98 when the other team failed to show up.

This issue is currently available as a mobi file for Kindle users, an epub for other e-readers, and as a PDF for everyone else. More details can be found on the Downloads page.

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Famous Submissions I

We get so many submissions from around the world and, occasionally, we receive material from someone of acclaim.

But imagine our surprise when a series of hand-written submissions (crayon on brown paper bags) arrived at the National Pasquinade Editorial Offices one fine day in March with a certain Pennsylvania Avenue return address.

Unfortunately, the submitted work was not up to the standards of quality set by the National Pasquinade and we had to reject the submitted material, but there is hope for you, potential contributor.

Send us your themed stories, articles, covers, parodies, satires, single-panel cartoons, etc. to submissions@nationalpasquinade.com today and maybe, one day, you can be the President of the United States.

Also, Happy #EasterFoolsDay!

 

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Humor Writing Prompt #20: F1

Humor Writing Prompts

“Now there is one outstandingly important fact regarding Spaceship Earth, and that is that no instruction book came with it.”

—Chapter 4 of “Operating Manual for Spaceship Earth” (1969)

In an ongoing attempt to jump-start your attempt to pen something uproariously funny, or at the very least amusing, here’s another jolt of inspiration for you creative types to use however you like.

It’s been a month since you received that IKEA Christmas gift from Grandma. You’ve opened the box and the parts all seem to be there. So why haven’t you assembled it? Maybe you’re having trouble reading the instructions?

For this prompt, write your own humorous instructions for any product. Proper usage of a bar of soap. How do you sneeze? Gene splicing? Teach us how to do something in the most ridiculous way possible. #HelpMePrompt

When you’ve finished, if you feel compelled, share your results (or a link to your results if they’re longer) in the comments. And if your story fits with our upcoming theme issue, “Winning,” consider submitting it for publication in National Pasquinade.

Happy writing.

 

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Humor Writing Prompt #19: Episodes

Humor Writing Prompts

“People watch three or four episodes at a time of their shows.”

—Idris Elba

In an ongoing attempt to jump-start your attempt to pen something uproariously funny, or at the very least amusing, here’s another jolt of inspiration for you creative types to use however you like.

Scripted television programs (and many unscripted “reality” programs) title each episode.

For this challenge, go to the Current Shows page on epguides.com. Pick any show listed and find an episode of that show that either (a) aired on your birthday in any year, or (b) the season and episode number match your birthday. For instance, if your birthday is December 3rd, the episode should have aired on 12/03 or the episode should be the third episode from season 12 (challenging when most shows only last a few seasons).

The title of this episode will be the title of your new funny story, preferably unrelated to the show or its characters. #EpisodesPrompt

When you’ve finished, if you feel compelled, share your results (or a link to your results if they’re longer) in the comments. And if your story fits with our upcoming theme issue, “Winning,” consider submitting it for publication in National Pasquinade.

Happy writing.

 

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Listeria #21: The Winners of 2018

Listeria #21

 

2017 didn’t have a lot going for it. There were an increasing number of mass shootings, America transitioned into a bad reality show hosted by an angry old orangutan with tiny hands, and all of it costs more than it did in 2016.

But it’s a New Year. We have 365 days ahead of us. 365 potentially winning days. So break out the crystal ball, open that fresh deck of tarot cards, and put on those psychic mittens. Whatever it takes to prognosticate the winners of the next year. Thanks to Caldwell Murchfield (@caldmurchfield) for suggesting this one.

The Winners of 2018

  • Pfizer. Again.
  • La La Land… wait, no, it’s Moonlight. Again.
  • The hare, finally.

To play, post your own answers on Twitter to @pasquinade with the hashtag #2018WillBeWonBy, comment on the post on our Facebook page, or comment here. I encourage you, as well, to share this post freely. The more folks playing, the more there is to enjoy.

If you have an idea for a future list, send it to us at submissions@nationalpasquinade.com, along with at least three list items for each list submitted. Maybe you’ll see your list in a future installment or even in the digital pages of National Pasquinade.

 

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National Pasquinade’s 2018 Boneyard

As the year winds down, I pause to reflect on the past year and those celebrities that have kicked it.

And how I was able to predict four of them at the end of 2016. Unless somebody big drops in the next thirty-odd hours, I’ve finished the 2017 Lee Atwater Invitational Dead Pool in the Top 15 out of over a thousand lists submitted.

I’ve just entered my lists on Stiffs.com for The 2018 Lee Atwater, where you too can pick the celebrities you think are going to die next and maybe win cash money!

I’ve also created the NatPasq Boneyard – an invitation only private group that will allow us to see who amongst us (the cool kids) does the best. All you do is enter the game that is running right now, and then when prompted, enter this code:

DYSP99

That’s it. It doesn’t cost extra, and it’s just oodles and oodles of fun! Go! Enter! Hurry!

It’s at http://stiffs.com/enter

See you in the obituaries!